Category Archives: Parenting

Why parents need to be on social media – Part 1

June 19, 2013 7:00 am | Leave a Comment |

Parenting your way through social media

Parents, I know that you promised yourself that you wouldn’t grow old like your own folks; that you would stay current and hip with all the latest tech, celebs, music and trends. But, lets be honest with ourselves, we so easily fall out of current at a blinding speed and quickly embarrass ourselves with kids with our references to grunge music, scrunchies and Adam Sandler movies that “kids these days” just don’t understand. BUT here’s one area that as a parent, you can’t and shouldn’t fall out of step in: Social Media. Your children are communicating differently today and you can’t afford to be ignorant with social media! You don’t have to be an expert, but you can’t be a dummy – and here’s why:

  • Social Media Defines Your Child’s Identity “Don’t be silly,” you say. “My child gets their sense of value and self worth from me – their loving parent – and their church.” Yes. And no. While I am of the generation that first experienced MySpace, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, you child can’t fathom a world without it. “Selfies” (self portraits) used to be done when you didn’t have someone to take the picture for you – now they are done to show off new clothes, makeup, friendships, cleavage, and status to their friends and the number of “likes” that their pictures get directly feeds the monster know as ego and it’s cousin, self worth. You need to see what your child is posting, who is “liking” it and what pictures your child “likes” so you can have a great vantage point when it comes to parenting your child well.
  • Unhealthy Relationships We all get the heebie-jeebies with a certain friend our child has – one that we don’t want them to play with or let them go to their house. This is a good thing. As adults, we have a better vantage point in discerning good relationships for our kids, and it really is part of our job: make sure our kids aren’t exposed to damaging environments/people. The trouble is, so much of the environments/people are no longer the kids on the street who want to play, but they live in the cyber world of social media. You need to make sure that you are able to monitor your child’s relationships and keep them from harm. Do you know about the app, Snapchat – an app that is widely known as the best sexting app available? Do you know if your child uses it? Do you know who they send to or receive messages from? As a parent, you need to be there!
  • Help Them Make Wise Choices Because your child is growing up more and more in the digital world, you need to be present to help them make wise choices about what they share, who they share it with, the intentions of those who “friend” or “follow” them.

As a parent, this is one area that you need to invest some time learning more about it (YES, even if you think having a Vine or Twitter account is dumb) so you can be savvy and have your ear to the ground about what your kids are into.

Need some help getting started?

What do you think? Is social media something that you’re scared of wading into?

Posted in: Kidmin, Parenting | Tagged: , , ,

When to say, “No”

June 5, 2013 7:00 am | Leave a Comment |

Learning to say “No”

Last post, I urged people to stop saying, “no,” to things out of insecurity, fear and control.

However, I believe that there are many times when saying, “no,” is actually not only the best, but the most wise thing to do!  Here are times and situations where I am learning to say no more often:

  • When saying, “yes” would eat into valuable family time
    As a pastor, much of my job requires ‘outside’ office hours conversations, meetings, trainings and the like. This means that I have to learn to guard time with my family more aggressively. An extra evening here or there, while, it doesn’t seem like much adds up and ultimately hurts my family. And I’m sorry if this offends you, but my family, their needs, and my presence with them is always more important than another meeting, training or work project.
  • When saying, “yes” would cause me to work more
    I am not against work. I like to work, to work hard and to have a high quality end product. However, I also have a tendency to work too much. One thing I am working on is making stronger boundaries regarding work. This means I say no to things like checking my email while at home, answering non-urgent work-related texts/calls, “swinging by” the office “for only a minute” to finish up an outstanding task, or scheduling a meeting that can really wait.
  • When saying, “yes” keeps me from maintaining focus on my goals
    There are so many “good” things to work on. Many people have great ideas about good things that would be great to do in children’s ministry, things for my family to do, hobbies for me to start. The problem is, saying yes to “good” things means that I lose focus on the things that I need to be doing. This means saying no to some of the following “good things”: Christmas concert for children’s ministry, joining another sports team, signing my kids up for extra-curricular activities, hosting a mid-week program, having a kids choir, speaking at an event or chapel, going out with ‘the guys’ – the list can be endless! This doesn’t mean I always say no to these things, but if saying yes to them, today, means I compromise on my goals, then my answer for today is “no.”

What do you say no to? What do you need to start saying no to?

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Why we say “no”

May 29, 2013 7:02 pm | Leave a Comment |

As a parent, “no” is a very common word that leaves your mouth – especially if you have young kids!

“No, don’t touch that!”
“No, don’t put that in your mouth!”
“No, you can’t get down – eat all your supper!”

However, I think that we sometimes say “no,” not because we are opposed to something, but because we are insecure, scared, tired. I think to times where my daughters will ask if I’ll play outside with them. Often, my answer is “no.” I veil it behind having to help with supper, clean up after supper, make a call, or the ever-popular, “I just got home and need to rest for a bit.” What I’m really saying is “Playing with you is too difficult and I’m scared to risk doing it.”

Now, my kids aren’t scary, and I’m not really scared of playing with them. But I am scared of being a pretty crappy playmate. I’m scared of being a dad that doesn’t have a good imagination, enough energy to be a horse, or how to navigate three kids wanting my undivided attention at the same time.

So I say, “no.”

Sometimes we say no to God because of these same reasons – we are scared of risking things for His sake, so we turtle and rationalize why we “can’t” do something for him.

“I can’t participate in 24/7 prayer because I’m too busy”
“No, I can’t join a housechurch because life is crazy.”
“No, I can’t give money freely because I can’t afford to”
“No, I can’t serve because it’s not my ‘gifting’”
“No, I can’t forgive because I’m not ready to”

What we’re really saying to him is, “God I don’t really trust that you can handle my time, my family, my money, my influence, my relationships.”

We say no to our kids, spouse, God and others because we’re scared that we’re not good enough. That we might fail. Don’t let your insecurities stop you from from unlocking your influence, passion and faith!

Next time you have a chance to say “no” – stop and think about why you are saying no. Are you scared? Take a risk and say “YES.”

Posted in: Kidmin, Parenting | Tagged: , ,

Txting and ur kid

May 22, 2013 2:37 pm | Leave a Comment |

Call me old-school, but I can’t quite bring myself to use the texting abbreviations that so many “young people” are using. I’m grateful that my smart phone can complete words, including punctuation, so my messages can form complete sentences.

There have been numerous reports about how the texting slang is making it’s way into class assignments and ruining the English language. Some call it “a dumbing down of culture.”

But is this new evolution of communication, primarily among kids and teens all doom and gloom? Depends on how you look at it.  Watch the TED Talk below about how texting is changing how we communicate. Seriously, watch it!

The TED Talk makes is clear that this is a bi-lingual development and that it doesn’t sound the end of Western Civilization… so what should you as a parent do? Here are my observations:

  • Let it continue to happen – don’t try and change the texting language. You won’t succeed. Numbers aren’t on your side.
  • Teach appropriate venues of communication – texting and essays are two different forms of communication and they need to be handled differently; just like there is a different way you talk with friends compared to how you talk to your parents (at least I HOPE there’s a difference there!)
  • Know the slang – kids know when you’re confused about how they text. Know what they are saying by brushing up on your txt lingo. Here’s one of the best sites for parents that I frequent!
  • Start texting your kids
Posted in: Kidmin, Parenting | Tagged: , ,

Start doing Something!

May 9, 2013 9:36 pm | Leave a Comment |

Do something

“People who are totally consumed with idealistic principles rarely DO anything.”
-Oswald Chambers

This was me 4-5 years ago. I prided myself in being an idealistic-cynic (two sides of the same coin, perhaps?)

I thought in ideals. I read idealistic books. I scrutinized others based on ideals I have read about.

But I rarely DID anything.

I found that this vantage point left me with two different, yet very similar, options – neither of which are very productive; either throw stones at everyone else for not doing things the “right” and idealistic way or be so paralyzed with the realization that I couldn’t live up to the ideals I set our for myself that I ended up doing nothing.

As a parent, I can find myself knowing what the “ideal” thing to do is – putting my phone away, playing on the floor, wrestling matches, chasing the kids outside, bedtime routines, etc. – but fearing that I can’t live up to the ideal, so I panic and retreat. I end up doing nothing.

Don’t be consumed with being the ideal parent. The ideal spiritual leader. The ideal spouse.

What the world, your marriage, your family your church needs is for you to start doing something. And it doesn’t have to live up to a lofty ideal. Begin with the little things like making sure your family eats together at the table. Short prayers. Open conversations. 5-minute wrestle time with the kids. The world – and more importantly – your family will be better off with you as a less-than-ideal-parent-that-does-something than one who retreats and hides behind your fears.

 

Posted in: Kidmin, Leadership, Parenting | Tagged: , , ,

Slowing Down

May 8, 2013 7:00 am | Leave a Comment |

images

Our society loves speed! From fast cars to no lines at the walk in to how fast your LTE cell coverage is; we all like things done quickly. I’m actually writing this while I agonizingly wait for a document to load on our “you-call-this-high-speed” internet at the church. But I have been questioning what it means to live at such speed since coming out and admitting that I work too much.

My natural state is one of constant movement and doing things. My wife gets frustrated with me because I lack the ability to just sit. Not putter. Just sit.

It drives me bonkers.

There’s stuff I could be doing instead of sitting.

Sitting seems like a silly thing to do when there is so much else to do.

I made the decision to stop “going” all the time and to eventually cut myself off of my addiction of work. I’m not going cold turkey or anything, but when the end of the work day comes, I stop working. It is forcing me to slow down and practice the art of working hard to not work.

In the past, if I needed more time to accomplish something, I would just work into the night, weekend or early morning. Not anymore. I am trying something new these days that is a little risky for a perfectionist personality like me – if I run out of time to do something, it remains unfinished. I don’t get to blame anyone. I don’t sneak in to fix things. I simply don’t accomplish my task.

This is difficult when my job requires that I make sure that Sunday morning is ready to rock kids’ world with awesome programming (I literally am, working for the weekend!) My new approach, which is still very much a stretch for me, requires me to organize my time so that I can slow down, work less, and make sure that I don’t ruin the only opportunity I have to invest time into my own kids.

Do you work too much? Take a risk and try to slow down a bit. Your spouse, kids and friends will appreciate it!

Posted in: Leadership, Parenting | Tagged: , ,

My name is Stafford, and I’m a workaholic

April 15, 2013 9:16 am | Leave a Comment |

The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. So here I am sharing with you my problem; I work too much.

Sure, there are lots of reasons (read: excuses) why I work too much. I could blame my parents who were small business owners for 25 years who taught me a strong work ethic and demonstrated the hard work required to be so. I could blame my experience of being forced to work all the time while in school – a family of (at the time) 4 plus full-time school and the need to earn money required that I work a lot (either on school work or my job). I could even blame my current position in ministry where the mantra sometimes echoes in my head, “the work of the LORD is never done!”

But all those are really just excuses that let me off the hook for being responsible for my own actions.

The truth is, I’m insecure.

I’m worried that a job done to less than perfection is a poor reflection of who I am.

I’m worried that it will reflect poorly on my wife and kids; that they have a husband/father who can’t accomplish much.

I’m worried that unless I knock it out of the park all the time, my job might be in jeopardy so I at least make it look like if something fails, it isn’t my fault, because I have been working so much. (I should also point out that in no way have I ever been made to feel by leadership that my job has ever been in jeopardy)

I worry that if I ever get caught relaxing, it would damage my ministry.

Luckily, I have a loving wife, an understanding leader and a community around me that is able to stop this before it gets out of control and damages my family!

This past weekend, I exercised the discipline of not working and am much better for it! The next few blog posts will follow the theme of being a recovering workaholic, and truths I’ve begun to realize about it’s impact and the lies that damage your family. I am by no means an expert, and my boundaries are still blurry at times, but who knows, perhaps there is something in my journey that you are able to learn from!

Posted in: Kidmin, Leadership, Parenting | Tagged: , , ,

How to be a better parent

March 20, 2013 9:00 am | 1 Comment |

Be a better parent

We all want to be better parents to our kids. Somewhere in my mind’s eye is an image of the ideal parent – the one I aspire to be like – but when I compare our own parenting with that ideal, too often I fall short. To try harder and fail is too much of a risk sometimes, so instead I retreat into being “too busy” or “too tiered” to get on the floor and play.

So how do I become a better parent to my kids?

By being a better husband to my wife.

The better I am at loving my wife and showing my love through my actions and words, the better I become at loving my kids because I am allowing my love to flow more freely.

So how do you love your spouse more?

  • Tell them you love them… LOTS! – We made a resove in our house that our kids would never question the love between their mom and dad. In doing so, our kids hear “I love you” 20-30 times a day. 
  • Kiss your spouse before you leave – the power of kiss before you leave for work, school, errands, or just going out, is very powerful connection that affirms your love for them.
  • Always build them up – Joanne and I make it our mission to never tear each other down in any way. This can be a subtle thing, and perhaps because of my gender, I hear many wives cut their husbands down – not with an axe – but with 1000 tiny papercuts. These tiny digs about “never” doing something or “always” reacting in a certain way. Women, whenever you say anything that isn’t used to build up the character of your husband – especially when you’re out with ‘the girls’ – you drive a wedge between you and him. The same does go the other way with husbands and the premise is the same - always go out of your way to build up your spouse even when the topic is “rant-about-your-wife” in the locker room!
  • Go out for coffee – This is one that I don’t do enough! Take the time out of your schedule, get a babysitter for an hour and go grab a Timmies with your spouse. Leave your cell phones at home and take some time to just talk. Oddly enough, it might be awkward at first because you don’t do it enough, but talk about your dreams, the future, what you want to accomplish and then spend some time listening to what they have to say  - no interruptions. 

Make the effort to be a better spouse and you will naturally find that you are being a better parent!

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How to make sure your kid is unsocial

March 6, 2013 9:00 am | Leave a Comment |

Relationships are scary. You have to look people in the eye, talk to them, choose your words carefully, and perhaps they might see right through your defenses and shine a spotlight on areas of your life you’re insecure about. Or just flat out not like you. It is far easier to retreat and become unsocial – especially behind tech. Here are some sure fire ways you can make sure your child is unsocial.

  • Never put your phone away!
    You kids will quickly learn that hiding behind a tiny screen is always more important than the people around you. There is comfort in the soft glow of an LCD screen, and if a conversation becomes too awkward or if you just don’t want to engage people around you, you can always check the more important things like Pintrest, Facebook, Twitter or your text messages.
  • Fortify their bedroom
    Make sure that your child has a TV in their room – better yet, a gaming system – so that their own space can be their retreat from the world that wants to engage them. They can always socialize with nOObs that they’re pwning on CoD at 2am from the safety of their own bedroom. Make sure they have full cable access as well as Netflix so they can immerse themselves in cultured TV shows without you having to supervise.
  • Teach them to fear the world
    There are all sorts of people who might hurt your child – their feelings, their body, their mind – make sure that you reinforce through your actions that people are not to be trusted. A 3DS is a better companion than that kid down the street that you don’t know. However, make sure that they don’t read 2 Timothy 1:7
  • Never challenge them
    Make sure that you never challenge them to do something they don’t want to do – it’ll only give them confidence to succeed in all areas of life if they overcome this obstacle. Keep them free from encountering success, and you’ll help reinforce that being social is too much of a risk and that it is easier to retreat when faced with something you don’t want to do.

Remember, your kids are looking to you for how to interact with the world. Be sure to teach these principles through you own actions, and you’ll be sure to reap the harvest that you have sown!

Posted in: Kidmin, Parenting | Tagged: , , , ,

Equipping the Family

February 27, 2013 9:28 am | Leave a Comment |

As a parent, I am so far over my head.

If you’re a parent, you can probably relate. In my best moments, when my children are behaving, are in good moods, when the house is tidy and I’m on the floor playing with my kids, I can sometimes convince myself that I am best father on earth. In fact, if you were to walk by my house and peek in the window, you might conjure up some picture of me always being in control of this thing called parenting. You, of course, would be wrong.

Too often, my parenting style is a flawed one based on my experience of being parented by my flawed parents. I love them dearly, but they aren’t without their flaws and issues. Sometimes the things that leave my mouth are the same words that I might have heard my parents say in a similar situation. I am simply trying my hardest and using the best of my limited knowledge to raise adults. Sometimes, it isn’t so pretty.

But what if there were a different way. What if I could learn from the better fathers in our church? What if those who had gone before me and raised children who follow God could come alongside me for me to glean from their experience? I would have so many more tools in my proverbial parenting tool belt that would help make me a better father.

At PAC, we have an abundance of young children in our nursery, many more infants who stay with parents in the service and a lot of pregnant women in our congregation. I could safely bet that they feel just as over their head as I do when it comes to parenting. What if PAC Kids Rock was a place where families are equipped to raise godly children? Where in the nursery, seasoned parenting veterans could share some of their knowledge and skills simply by being with parents and playing with children? How many more parents could be equipped to be a spiritual leader in their house? How much better would the parents at PAC be from the efforts of those who have gone before us?

If you would like to make a difference in families I want to partner with you. If you want to disciple believers, there is a place you can do it in Kids Rock. If you want to leave a legacy that will outlive you, the families of PAC are eagerly looking for you to do so. Click here to begin the journey of equipping families!

 

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